I’m still alive lol

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So, yeah… It’s been awhile sense I’ve done much.

I’ve been in a very difficult state of mind lately. It’s made it very difficult for me to keep doing things I enjoy. Hence why I haven’t posted I awhile…

I’m currently getting help to try and get myself out of this “funk” so to speak. Getting mental issues under control is exhausting. It’s exhausting trying to move through it dad after day. I am trying and doing everything I can to take control over my mind again. Of course it’s with the help of medication, that is much needed. I posted a couple videos on YouTube trying to talk about what I’m going through. So, yeah… I’m gonna try to post on there more… It’s just hard battling my own mind… Convincing myself to keep pushing… To keep fighting everyday… So I can’t promise to post all the time on there or here. Maybe after we get the right medication in me. I can get back on to doing things that make me happy.

So yeah, I’m going to behavioral therapy, taking the medications I’m being prescribed at therapy. So I’m on mood stabilizers and antidepressants. We’ll see if they want me to take anything else later on.

Probably wondering why I suddenly decided to be on medication and go to therapy. I’m bipolar. I ended up having a severe manic episode. Lets just say it took a toll on my mind, my marriage, and I was becoming a risk to myself. I care to much about my family. I know if something happens to me it’ll cause them pain and I don’t want that. I love my family. I love my husband. I knows there’s something out of balance in my brain. So I’m taking the steps to take control over it and not letting it control me and my life. So yeah…

Other than that this is what’s been going on.

Makeup

I haven’t worn makeup much sense last year in June. I think I’ve worn it about four times sense then. I still collect it. I try and learn more about it. There’s only so much I can do without practicing. I’ll have to start doing it again to get better at it.

I did get a white foundation to mix in with my other foundations. Sense I’m so porcelain. It’s so hard to find foundations light enough for me that doesn’t cost an arm and leg. I’m thinking of saving up for the new Kat Von D foundation in 41 Light Neutral. The other one that was the lightest before that one was too pink for my skin. I need more neutral or yellow toned.

So yeah, hopefully I can get back into doing it here soon. I do miss it.

Movie/television

I’ve been watching Netflix a lot and Vudu. I do wonder if my husband ever gets annoyed with what I watch. I tend to watch the same thing over and over. I’m not sure why. The only thing I’ve been watching that hasn’t been repeats in Criminal Minds. I’m on the fifth season and there’s eleven soon to be twelve. Also been watching the Power Puff Girls lol. Gotta love feeling nostalgic (^_^) Other than that I’ve been hooked to Jurassic Park, Jurassic World, LOTR, The Hobbit and Of course Sweeney Todd. I switch back and for from Netflix and Vudu.

Oh yeah! I watched a movie on Netflix called Wolf Cop. It was a stupid but funny B horror movie. I can only wonder if they’re gonna come out with a second one.

Books

Haven’t read much lately. What I did read was “Alice” By: Cristina Henry and I started “The Dragon Lords” By: Jon Hollins. He’s a new Author and that is his first book. I know it’s going to be a series I just don’t know how many books is gonna be in the series. It’s a good fantasy book. Fun so far. I’m not too far into it though. I also got the second book to the Alice series, “Red Queen”. I’m glad the series is only a two book series. I don’t have to wait a year and a half for the next one. The author is writing another book I’m interested in reading called “Lost Boy” It’s supposed to be a spin off of Peter Pan. “Alice” is a spin off of “Alice in Wonderland,” I really like the way she did the spin off of it. It has a good suspenseful twist to it. Very bloody through the book. Still interesting though.

So yeah, I haven’t read too much. If I read anything else I can’t think of it at the moment. Hopefully I can get back into it once I can get my mind taken care of.

School

Speaking of taking care of my mind. I’m looking into going back to school. I really want to feel useful. I want to feel like I’m accomplishing something. I’m looking into studying Science Biology. If I get my AA for it I can look into transferring to a four year college to get my masters. Though, we’ll see what happens. I figure I can get an AA in biology then I can look into all the fields it can lead into. I’m also thinking of learning ASL. If I decide to go into Zoology I can use it with chimps and gorillas. I just feel it would be very beneficial no matter what field I decide to go into.

So, I’m gonna start refreshing my memory with math and language arts. I haven’t done a lot of the math that I learned in school lol. I did get pretty high into math. So it shouldn’t be too much of a problem. Just gotta refresh my memory. I think the main thing I might have issues with is keeping with taking notes. I’ll find out from my parent’s how hard it is to take notes lol. So yeah, my parents are going back to school for Horticulture. I’m happy for them. I’m gonna do what I can to help them if they need it.

What else??? Hmmm…..

I was down to 189lbs but getting on the meds I went back up to 210. We’re switching meds to keep me from gaining more. Especially sense I haven’t changed anything, sense starting them. They were also making me shake really bad. It was very difficult to do anything. I’m still shaking a bit but not as much as I was. Which is good. Hopefully it stops completely when I start the new meds. I’m being weaned off the ones right now. I start the new ones Saturday. These new ones are supposed to help with weight loss. We’ll see what happens.

Something funny is my friend wants to see me in pink hair. So the deal is I’ll dye my hair pink if someone pays for my next tattoo. She said she’s saving up lol. If you don’t know I have a thing about pink. It’s not something I like to wear. At. All. Needless to say it’s not my favorite color. That would be purple.

Hmmm…. can’t think of anything else for now. I’ll try and post again but no promises due to how my mind has been. Oh! If you want to see the videos I posted go here

It’s a new year!

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I haven’t posted for a few weeks and I’m sorry about that. I’m gonna try to do better about posting. So this post will be an update on what’s been going on the past few weeks.
OK so first of all, I’m doing good. Stomach is doing good for now. Just gotta make extra sure I avoid gluten.
We gave presents to the girls on Christmas Eve. Sense everyone had plans for Christmas day or wanted to use the day to lounge. I cooked dinner so my mom could relax. I did ask for her help on a couple things but for the most part I did it. I made a glazed ham. Mom and Brandon got one each from their boss. He gives one to everyone for every Christmas. And of course we had three fixings. I made apple crisp for dessert. I’m not a big pumpkin pie person. I love apples.
I told my mom not to get me anything. Did she listen? No. She got me a soft Seahawks blanket. A portable DVD player and some makeup. Yes, she spoiled me. I like everything I got. I’ve been using everything.
Then our dog Jeb stepped on a nail or something. It went between the pads on his foot and up his foot about an inch and a half. It severed an artery. They had to put an artificial clot in it to stop the bleeding. So now he has to wear a boot on his foot for when he goes out side and has to be walked on a leash. Of course he has the cone if shame on his head. So he hasn’t been happy. He should have the stitches out and cone off Tuesday. I can’t wait. He’s been ramming everyone with his hood.
New years Eve was my parents wedding anniversary. They went out to Red Robin for dinner. Brandon and me stayed home to take care of Jeb. I didn’t stay awake for the ball to drop. I fell asleep at 10:30. I was tired. Same thing happened last year.
I’ve decided to work on a mood blanket for 2016. For those wondering what that is. It’s where you crochet a Granny square or a line of a blanket each day corresponding with your mood for that day. I’m doing granny squares. Along with the connecting as you go method of putting it together. In gonna do 15 across and I think that’ll mean it’ll be 24 down. I’m gonna do a temp blanket as well. I don’t have the yarn for it. So, I’ve been writing down the temperature each day in my journal I’m keeping for my mood blanket. I’m also trying to be more active online. So I’ve decided to post my progress of my blanket. Right now I’ve just put pictures on the granny squares I’ve done on my Instagram account. That’s linked to my other accounts.
Been doing pretty good so far.
I went to the doctors yesterday. Well, it was the obgyn. I now have to go in for an endoscopy to see if I gave endometriosis. So yea… The endoscopy is a surgical procedure. I go in on the second for it. I’m nervous. I know everything will be fine. Just nervous about it in general.
So yea that’s pretty much it. I haven’t been doing a whole lot. I’ll try to post again. But no promises lol. Well, till next time. Later!

Feeling better…

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Well, I’m doing a lot better. I’m finally able to eat solid food. I’ve been able to for the past couple days now. I’m glad that I don’t feel like I’m starving myself. Though, I’m keeping track of my calorie intake. I want to make sure I’m getting enough and I don’t over indulge. I’ve been staying at 193lbs. I’m gonna start getting back into yoga. Doc told me not to do more than that right now since my joints hurt so much when I work out. He wants me to work up to doing more intense workouts.
I got a basic yoga pack of with 3 DVDs for beginners. I want to start slow and work my way up. Don’t want to pull or strain anything. I’m certain all my muscles and joints are badly out of shape. So yeah…
Oh here’s the pack I got…

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It’s a simple kit but it works for now.
Brandon got a yoga mat on cyber Monday so that’ll come in handy.
I got crochet hooks on cyber Monday. They’re made of bamboo…

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I’m happy with them. Got some sizes that I don’t have. (∩_∩).
We celebrated brandons birthday. He got Ferraro’s for dinner. Rest of us had tater tot casserole. I couldn’t eat much but it was soft enough so I could have a little. I also made him strawberry cheesecake. It turned out great. I also made coffee cheesecake and that was a failure. I added way to much gelatin. Otherwise everything was good.
So yea, not much has been going on. Watching movies and laying in bed a lot. Being bored. If I think of anything else I’ll post again. For now we’ll leave it at this. Later!

For anyone wondering…

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The last few days have been interesting…

Well, Thursday evening I went to bed around 8 pm. Woke up at 10 pm with really bad cramping. At first I thought they were menstrual cramps. My side started hurting.. I ended up going to the bathroom with really bad diarrhea. That lasted through the night. I got up at 5:30 and it was no longer poop it was blood. My stomach and side felt like I was being stabbed. I went to the hospital. I was on the floor in pain.

I got there, they checked me in. I was still hurting. crying bending over. They asked for a poop sample and urine sample. I gave them urine but the only thing coming out door number 2 was blood. They put me in a room gave me nausea meds and pain killers and took some blood. I laid there for 2 hrs. Only saw the doctor for 2 mins. I didn’t get my test results back. A nurse came in handed me a little kit to take home for poo. I told her there’s only blood coming out and that I gave what I could already. She said it wasn’t good enough. She handed me the kit said someone will be in with discharge papers and to get dressed. The other nurse came in and asked me why I was getting dressed and I told her the other nurse told me to. She looked as confused as I felt. She came back in handed me my papers and said they determined I has acute diarrhea. Oh and gave me a script for stomach cramping.

Mentally thinking: Really? Why am I bleeding out of my asshole!?

I didn’t say anything. I felt pushed aside and that I wasn’t that important enough to even talk to about the test results. They made me feel like I was just bothering them. It’s really frustrating.

I came home. My mom decided to call my primary doc, who wasn’t in, so I ended up seeing his PA. He talked to me and said I most likely had a bad encounter with gluten. When I went to the restaurant the day before. He did get on the hospital servers and found that my blood tests showed a high white count. It wasn’t abnormal high, just that my body was fighting an infection. So he gave me a script for some antibiotics.

Okay, cool. I’ll just have to be extra careful the next couple days with what I eat. I’ll take the pills and all would be good…

*sigh*

The meds I got from the hospital made the pain worse. I stopped those. I took the antibiotics for a day. I broke out in hives. Stopped those and took a benadryl. On top of that it’s been hurting my stomach like crazy every time I eat solid food. So been on a liquid diet sense Friday. So tomorrow that’ll be a week on nothing but fluids. I’ve lost 6 lbs sense then. Which isn’t a problem, I could lose some.

Anyways, yesterday I went in to urgent care cause the pain was still there and I still didn’t have answers. I found out there that the doctor at the ER felt I was feeling better and so decided to let me go home…….

Okay, I was fucking high as a kite from the dilaudid they fucking gave me. So yea, I wasn’t feeling much at all. And besides how would she know she didn’t see me except the first 2 mins after I got checked in. She never came back to see how I was doing. I only saw the nurses after that!

Anyways, back to urgent care. They did blood work, and demanded pee from me. Then did a ultra sound on my gallbladder, spleen, appendix, and kidneys. They actually went over the tests with me and at least told me they didn’t find anything. They wanted poo as well but I haven’t gone sense Saturday at 2 in the morning. I only know that cause I put everything they needed in there little sample thingy. So I could give it to them the next day. The PA told us if I went over night to put it in the fridge then bring it in first thing. We take it in and they said they need it within the first 2 hrs within freshness. lol I don’t know how else to write that so that’s how you get it. So they gave me another container… And I haven’t gone #2 sense then.

Today I had an OBGYN app. and I asked about the possibility that I had a miscarriage. Sense a lot of the pain was in the nether regions. He did an exam and took blood I have to in for an ultra sound. After that he said he would talk to me if he found any thing. He doesn’t think I had a miscarriage. But he does want to know why I’m so tender in that area. So, yea…….

I talked to my primary doc over the phone and he wants me to stop all meds besides birth control and to take a laxative sense I haven’t gone #2 in so long. He wants to see if that helps the pain. If not then I have to go see a GI.

So that’s about it so far… I weigh 196 now cause of my liquid diet. I’ve only been getting about between 600-900 calories a day. I’m drinking nutritional shakes to make sure I’m not losing to much nutrients. Along with cabbage soup after I boil the crap out of the veggies to where I don’t have to chew them. It’s sad cause I like crunchy veggies but oh well.

That’s all I got for now. If anything changes I’ll post an update. I hope everyone else is having a good week. I’ll talk to ya laterz!

Oops…

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I just realized I forgot to mention, in my last post, I shaved the sides of my head. Here’s one side. It’s the same on both sides.

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And yes I dyed my hair red. I really like having red hair. It’s just a pain to keep up. Sense it fades pretty fast.
I shaved the sides cause I was just getting really frustrated with my hair on the sides right there. They poke out everywhere if I don’t hair spray them down. I know my hair does that cause of my glasses. Plus, I also really like the style. I though about it for about 8 months before I did it. I also cut 5 inches off my hair. The person cut my hair was so ecstatic. She said she hasn’t done very many cuts like this. She was just as excited as I was. (∩_∩).
I might go to a different color but I’m not sure what color yet. I’ve considered purple. But not sure yet.
Anywaaaaayyyyssss…. I know I might remember something to put on here that I forgot in my first post.
If I remember I’ll make another post (∩_∩).

Yup…

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OK, where to start lol. I’m terrible, I know…
I’ve been in a big time rut. I’ve only worn makeup a few times sense I last posted on here. Haven’t done a whole lot really. So where to start…
We’ll start with arts and crafts.
Got two presents made for my nieces. Got to get the other two made. I’m trying to learn more with crocheting. I’m wanting to learn to use a sewing machine. So I can make new curtains for my room. I got the fabric. It has bats all over it. Also fabric for pillow cases. Those have a scenery of a graveyard on them. They were on sale for half off a yard. I guess till I learn, I’ll stock up on fabric when it’s on sale. Here’s a pic of the fabric I got.

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I also got a little box for my crochet hooks. My yarn cutter sits in it too.

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In actually getting more hooks off of amazon for $3. I’ll post a pic when I get them.
I’ve also been trying to get back into painting and drawing. Did a pumpkin picture, mostly just messing around with different mediums.

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I used water colors, oil paints, pastels and colored pencils. I was bored. I want to do more though. Ooh and my mom and dad got me some Christmas ornaments that I can paint. Got 2 done.

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I had to get more paint to do the other two cause I did have to throw out a lot of my paints due to bring old or dried out. Do I grabbed this. It was $10 at wallyworld. I still want to get a clear gloss to put over them to protect them.

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My other creative outlet makeup. As I said I’ve only worn makeup a couple times sense June really. Here’s a couple looks I did.

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This is the most recent. I guess I didn’t take pics of the other ones. I didn’t even wear makeup on my anniversary. Yup, been in a rut.
Speaking of anniversary… Brandon surprised me with flowers and a card. Also made lunch for us. It was just chicken wings and fries but I was still really happy. Here’s the flowers and card.

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We call each other teddy bear and snuggle bear (∩_∩). Hmmm, can’t remember the dinner that night… Oh well… Anyways… My best friend gave us the cutest anniversary gift.

(update: I remembered our dinner lol I made homemade lasagna lol. We also watched Jurassic world)

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I used it to make muffins teehee(∩_∩)…
Halloween I ate a lot of fatty foods and candy. It was a fatty kind of day.
I’ve actually fallen off track of my healthy eating for awhile there. But I’m getting back on it. Been eating a lot of cabbage soup. It’s really good with spam.

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Back to portioning my food out again. I really feel off of everything when our power any out for 4 days. We lost a lot of food. But was able to save the turkeys for thanksgiving and Christmas. We stashed them at my brothers sense his power only went out for 4hrs.
A really intense wind storm hit us. There was 180,000 people with out power at the height of the storm. Took 10 days for everyone to get it back on. I really feel sorry for those who lost it for that long. The over night temps went into the teens during that time. Avista did give gift card for food for those who were without power on thanksgiving. Which I do think was nice. They worked hard and without injury. Last thing I want is for someone to get hurt.
My mom and husband work at Zips and they were the only restaurant with power on the street. So let’s say they were freaking busy. The customers had a half her wait for food. They also nearly ran out of food a couple times. The owner did come in and help in the kitchen after volunteering cutting wood for 5hrs. He’s a good guy. They were pretty busy for about 4-5 days. So it was an event in its self. But if you want to test out candles just light them when your powers out lol. I was surprised at how long some of ours lasted lol. And they still have wax in them lol.
Oh and few days before hand I can’t remember the date but I got a really pretty picture of a sunrise.

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OK, my phone says it was on November 7 lol. It was a little more orange pink than that in person but it’s still gorgeous.
Hmmm, what else is there to talk about…
Oh my husband tried out a box called comic con box. This is what it had in it…

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And yes I grabbed the shirt and plushie(^~^).
I guess I’ll do another post if I think of anything else. So till next time. Later!

Update…

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Well, I’m trying to update more often it just seems my hamster is refusing to do any work a.k.a my brain is not working… In a mental rut… So I’ll talk about a few things that have happened around here, though, it’s not much… First of all, my strawberries and sugar snap peas died… Watered them and everything but I just seemed like they were struggling to survive. But the tomatoes, basil, oregano, hot tomato peppers, and choices are doing great! I’ll try the other two again after we move and I can plant them in the ground instead of a pot… I’m gonna plant some garlic in one of the pots… Brandon wants to get a plant to try and grow now (∩_∩). I told him to let me know what he wants so we can get it for him.
I’m practicing granny squares with crocheting. It’s been so hot I’m gonna make several of those to make everyone’s blankets for Christmas. I’m making blankets and scarves for Christmas for everyone… Keeping it simple ヽ(^。^)丿.
We’ve been having a heat wave the past couple weeks so I haven’t worn any makeup during it. I didn’t even wear any on my birthday like I wanted to cause it was so hot! The heat wave is supposed to end here soon. It really sucks cause now there’s a lot of wild fires. I’m hoping they all get contained fast. We don’t need another Carleton complex fire. The fourth was pretty quiet cause of these fires. Which I’m not complaining about it sense fire works scare the crap out of Jeb.
Three was a fire by the river, that’s by our house, mom stated to spray down the yard and side of the house and found rocko loves the hose. Jeb had a lot to say about the hose lol. He’s a bluetick coonhound so he bays a lot. (^_^)
Click here to see a video of that
So yeah… Hoping to see the minions movie this month but we’ll see what money looks like.
Hmmm, oh I got my horror block and loved it

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Loved everything in it. I put my stuffed cthulhu on my virus plushy I got in my first box. It looks funny…

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So yeah, don’t got much else to talk about. So I guess that’s it for now… I guess till next time…